Forgiveness Exemplified

Chaplain (Colonel) Niels C. Carlsen

My father-in-law, Niels Christian Carlsen, was a great man.  I’ve never met a man who loved and cared for people like him.  He was always in a good mood even when he wasn’t.  He was very kind all the time.  And he had a wonderful sense of humor.  He was one of those people who could even laugh at himself.  He was a church planter and pastor and had a career in the Air Force as a chaplain.

There was a time years ago when my wife and I and our children lived in Guatemala.  We relished our time there. The country and its people are beautiful.  I will say though that driving there was a challenge for this American.  In the U.S. we learn defensive driving.  You drive always being on the defensive for what the other person may do.  I found that in Guatemala to drive effectively you had to drive offensively.  That fits well with my personality.  I’m always on the offensive.

One time when my in-laws came to visit us, we took a trip out into the interior of the country.  They were certainly not used to or comfortable with an offensive style of driving.  I get it.  If you drove in the U.S. like most of the rest of the world does, people would not like it very much.  Needless to say, as I drove offensively, it frightened my in-laws. If you aren’t used to that type of driving, it can really be unnerving.  I’m currently visiting Lebanon.  I’d say the driving here is even more on the offensive than in Guatemala.  I find myself getting a little on edge with the driving.

I didn’t know that it bothered my in-laws so much because I was just driving the way that I always drove there.  At one point my father-in-law said to me something along the lines of, “I don’t appreciate the way you are driving; don’t you care for the safety of your family?”  I did take offense to that.  I stopped the car and had my wife take over on the return trip.  I didn’t say another word.

Soon after we got home there was something going on at church that I needed to attend.  I went out to the car and was getting ready to back out of the driveway when my father-in-law came out and asked if he could go with me to church.  I said, “of course.”  As soon as he got in the car, he apologized for what he said.  I apologized for scaring them.  What could’ve hurt our relationship didn’t. My father-in-law lived out biblical forgiveness.  

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as also God forgave you in Christ.”Ephesians 4:32

“Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”  James 5:16

Not only did my father-in-law live out those verses, but he also lived out Matthew 18 where it says for us to go directly to the one we have a problem with. Niels gave me a great example that I strive to emulate.

The Gift of Presence

I am currently visiting our oldest daughter and her family in South Carolina.  My wife, Susan, and I are here because she gave birth to our tenth grandchild.  We are so thankful to God for this great blessing.  We are not really doing all that much, but we are present and we are here for whatever the needs are that we can help meet.

I had a friend call yesterday.  The person had problems at work and just needed to vent.  I didn’t say a whole lot, but I listened.  At the end the person thanked me for just being there and listening.

Sometimes the most important thing you can do is to be present with people who are going through the challenges of life. You don’t have to solve their problems.  You just need to be there where they know they are loved and not alone. 

That’s what God does for us.  He is always present with those who are his. Jesus said, “Remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20. His presence is promised to us.  He is with you through the ups and downs of life. Even one of Jesus’ name, Immanuel, means “God with us.”  

I don’t know what you’re going through right now, but trust that God is with you. It is his gift of presence. He will be there for you throughout whatever you are going through and will work it for your good. “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

I missed a call

I missed a call from one of my grandchildren this morning.  I was working and couldn’t take the call.  I was disappointed.  I enjoy connecting with them.  In our case, all our grandchildren are very far away.  We only get to actually be with them maybe once a year.  So, to miss a call is a big thing for me.

As part of my devotional time with God this morning I read,

MATTHEW 7:9-11 9″Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

These verses talk, among other things, about God’s relationship with his children.  He gives good gifts to his children because he cares them.  I can tell by these words that he values his relationship with his children.  I value my relationship with my grandchildren.  So, I was disappointed to miss the call.  I wonder if God is disappointed when we don’t take the time to call out to him?  My bet is that he is so much more disappointed than I am when his children don’t reach out to him.

Have you called out to him today?  He values his relationship with you.  Take a second and call out to him.  He’ll appreciate it…and you will too.

Hope and Burying a Loved One

EXTENDED FAMILY

In the last few years God has blessed us with seven grandchildren.  All of them unfortunately live very far from us, so we only get to see each about once a year.  Being completlely open , that is very hard. We so wish we could be with them more often and really get to invest in the lives of the next generation.

I think the thing about being a grandparent that has been surprising to me is the immediate love I have for those children.  I can certainly understand it for my own children, they came from us.  But I was surprised how quickly those grandchildren became so special to me. It is one of the incredible life joys that God gives us.  I just want to give glory to God for allowing me to have

Psalm 103:17 (HCSB) But from eternity to eternity the LORD’s faithful love is toward those who fear Him, and His righteousness toward the grandchildren

He’s just not that into you.

When I was in the U.S. Army, I had a boss once that attended the same church I did.  Although, I couldn’t read his mind, his negative demeanor (similar to the picture to the left) while at church seemed to indicate that he really didn’t want to be there.  He had recently remarried and his new wife was a very pleasant redhead who was a serious Christ-follower.   I was a leader in that church. I always got the distinct feeling that my boss didn’t like that very much. His comments to me about anything that had to do with church were always harsh and antagonistic.  He told me once that he attended the church to be with his wife.

When it came time for my evaluation, he was not quite as positive as my previous bosses had been. I was always a hard charger and took the initiative in my work.  I accomplished the goals set for my work and did them well.  In this case it didn’t matter. This guy just didn’t like me. He just wasn’t that into me. Many years later, I still think it’s because of my faith.  I believe I got to experience first hand a mild form of what Jesus said, Matthew 24:9b (NLT) You will be hated all over the world because you are my followers.

There are times in life when people just won’t like you.  There are a myriad of reasons why people just won’t like you. So, what do you do when someone doesn’t like you?

1. Love them anyway. Jesus said, “Love your enemy.”  Respond in love to them even when they don’t reciprocate or are actually hateful toward you.  Go out of your way to help them. The Bible says that will enfuritate them.  Especially go out of your way to help them when you’re in a place where you have to work with someone as a superior or as part of your team. Do your part to go over and above the call of duty. Others will see you’re trying. The aggressor will be the one to look bad. Truth will win out. Oh, in a blinding flash of the obvious, if it is your boss, it won’t help to get in a power struggle with him/her.  Let it go.
2. Work to make sure that their criticisms are truly unfounded.
3. If the criticisms are founded, maybe you need to use this relationship as a catalyst to change where you need to change.
4. Lastly, Suck it up and drive on. Accept it.  They’re just not that into you. Your self worth is not based on whether they like you or not. Your self worth should be based on knowing that God loves you very much.

You’re not going to win every popularity contest. That’s ok. Please the One that matters most.

Can you think of any other good responses when you’re faced with someone who just doesn’t like you?

Don’t Freak Out!

Some times life is just hard, so don’t freak out, just work through it.  I’m 57 years old now.  I guess one thing that I’ve seen over and over and over; “Stuff Happens.”  Things happen in life that are completely unexpected. None of us are perfect and we live with imperfect people in an imperfect world.

I had a grandson born nine months ago with a metabolic disorder that unless he gets a liver transplant he will have to regulate his protein intake his whole life because his body cannot process them.  (Check out this blog post). Stuff happens. No one saw it coming, but now his parents just have to work through it.

One thing I was taught during my Army career is that a plan is a plan until the battle starts.  Once it starts, you don’t know what is going to happen.  Life is the same way. You may have financial plans in place, but then the market crashes; stuff happens.  You may have a career plan and then you get a boss who for whatever reason doesn’t like you. Stuff happens. You may have family plans. You know how many children you are going to have and how you’re going to raise them.  Then you find out that you’re infertile. The list and go on and on.

The important thing is not that stuff happens. The important thing is how you handle it; how you adjust your plan in the battle of life. I once commanded an Artillery Battery. We were out on a training exercise and several of our vehicles got stuck in the mud up to their axels. (Check out this blog post). Stuff happens. Now we could have just freaked out and not done anything but lament. But, what we did is methodically work our way out of the mess. That’s what we have to do in life. Don’t freak out. Formulate a plan and just work your way through it.

One thing that really doesn’t solve anything is whining. Yes it may identify the problem, but in the long run it won’t solve the problem. In fact it will probably do a good job of making you ineffective. Your whining will probably lower your morale and heighten the feeling that this problem is insurmountable.  So, quit you’re bellyaching and get busy.

Actor Ashton Kutcher was asked what he missed about growing up and living in the Midwest (Iowa).  He said, “I miss being around people that don’t complain. I’m in the drama business, and there are a lot of dramatic people that seem to be not very happy with where they are.” When you hit a snag, don’t complain.  Simply take time to reassess and then start trying to work you way out of the problem.

Ultimately the way to make it through the difficulty is putting your faith in someone that can pull you out of the mud.  Jesus said, John 16:33 (NIV)  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  Put your faith in the overcomer and he’ll help you get through life when stuff happens.

Don’t argue with crazy people

I once had a guy come into my office. He was pretty negative and he was very combative in his conversation. I did my best to keep my temper, because it certainly seemed like he was trying to goad me into an argument. Our relationship had normally been very cordial and as far as I understood we had a good bond.  I did know he did not like the military very much.  On this occasion he spewed an assortment of anti-military rhetoric. It was really over the top.  Although he seemed to be trying to provoke me, I didn’t bite.

After his visit, I spoke with a counselor trying to understand what had happened and to formulate an appropriate response. I felt I needed to have a crucial conversation with him to clear the air and reestablish appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I mentioned to the counselor that I knew that in the past this individual had suffered from some type of mental illness. When the counselor heard that, he said, “Don’t argue with crazy people.”  It was good advice.  This was not a battle that I needed to fight. It was fruitless to do so. I just needed to let it go.

I have another friend who argues for any perceived slight; everything is a fight. He badgers waiters and waitresses, medical professionals, lawyers or anyone who in any way has not met his own personal standards.  It is all about him.  Needless to say, he doesn’t have many friends. He’s had several failed marriages. People avoid him like the plague.  He can’t let anything go.

When it comes to life, I have learned that you have to choose your battles wisely. Everything isn’t worth a fight. Some things you just have to let go. That is hard for me. I’m very competitive.  It’s hard to let a challenge just pass me by. But, everything is not worth a fight.   This has been a lifetime learning process for me. Earlier in life, like my friend, I’d battle for everything. I’m sure people must have tired of my constant combativeness.

In the long run, what is important in life is people. They are made in the image of God. He loves people. When I battled for everything, it didn’t foster good relationships and didn’t get accomplished what I wanted to get accomplished. It didn’t value others because it became all about me. I probably could have gotten a lot more done by treating people with love and respect.  I think that’s what Jesus was getting at when he said, Matthew 7:12 (Phillips) “Treat other people exactly as you would like to be treated by them – this is the essence of all true religion.”

Don’t argue with crazy people. Let it go!

Leadership Lesson: Your family is the priority no matter what you do.

I have the tendency to be a workaholic. The truth be known, I like to work. I like to accomplish things. I like to get things done. I’m willing to devote the time needed to get something done right and produce excellent results.  I’ve been this way my whole life. So, when I was in the Army as a young man, I would arrive to work early and leave for home late. That meant there were many days when my young children might not see me because I was out of the house before they were up and I returned after they went to bed. Needless to say, that was not very good for our home life. It’s difficult to invest in and influence your children, when you’re not there.

I had a boss once, Fred Stubbs, who was a very wise man.  He was a great family man. He had a wonderful wife, Ilene, and two beautiful teenage daughters, Bethany and Penny. One evening while I was working late, he surprised me and stopped by my office.  He asked me about work. I told him what was happening and what I was working on. Then as he was getting ready to leave he said to me, “John, the Army will be here in 20 years and you’re likely not to be in the Army, but what you do now will determine if your wife and children are with you or not.” Kaboom!! I got the message.  I began a process of change where I put my family first and my work second.

The results of me purposely putting family considerations before my work have been pretty significant. I am retired from the Army and my wife is still with me. We celebrated our thirty-first wedding anniversary two weeks ago.  My children grew up knowing that I loved them.  I got to enjoy putting them to bed most nights; reading to them and saying their prayers with them. Although our children are grown and out of the house, our family remains close. I’ve been truly blessed. As an aside, Fred and Ilene Stubbs recently celebrated their fifty-second wedding anniversary.

How about you? Remember in 20 years, you probably won’t be with the company you’re with now. You may make a lot of money working late, but will your family still be with you? It’s your decision.

I can’t open anything!

Some thoughts on married life from my sorta newlywed daughter, Carolyn.

Lawfully Wedded Life

When I first got married, one of my close friends asked me if there was a moment I could point to when the reality of being married really set in. What was the answer, you ask? “When I realized that I cannot open a single jar or bottle in the entire apartment without help!”

And at that point, that was the number one thing I had noticed. It’s no wonder women always have to ask their husbands to open things, it’s because THEY close them to the point that it is impossible for any woman to get the dang thing open!

And, while that is still a true statement for me in our marriage (seriously, can’t open anything without help), I would say that there have been a few other things that marriage points out that I did not notice as a single woman.

Definitely Not a Servant

First off…

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